Yeah. Yeah, okay. Let's breathe deep and fucking get this over with.
So. Remember that time I reviewed Twilight? That's going to feel like Shakespeare compared to this hot garbage. And just like Twilight, this is yet another lovely gift from my daughter, during her younger vampire days. Except this is so, so so so so so much worse, because this time, they're in vampire, excuse me, VAMPYRE boarding school, and all these vampYres worship the goddess Nyx and practice rituals that seem awfully similar to Wiccan and generic pagan practices.
But good fucking gods, this shit isn't worth the paper it's printed on. Those poor trees, whose lives were sacrificed to create this garbage, would have been better used as cheap porta-potty toilet paper.
Zoey Montgomery is totally not like other girls. She likes Bram Stoker and Count Chocula cereal, and her grandma's a Cherokee Princess Medicine Woman. She eats spaghetti with garlic (GASP) with this gay vampYre boy who isn't a silly twink like all those other silly twink gays, and he uses big words like sycophant and hubris because he's very smart. Zoey changes her last name to Redbird because she's Cherokee with high cheekbones and the goddess Nyx hand picks her to be the chosen one. There's some blonde bully who's also the sluttiest slut to ever slut it up, and the slut's boyfriend is totally in love with Zoey. Because, you know, Zoey isn't like other girls. Like when Zoey decides to wear eyeliner on her first day of vampYre school, quote -
"Not heavily like those loser girls who think that plastering on black eyeliner makes them look cool, Yeah, right. They look like scary raccoons."
And you should know, goddess Nyx haaaaates fat, ugly, and/or disabled people and kills them in these books. Zoey and her roommate are discussing their blood free diet in chapter 10, and if you get fat or sick, your body rejects the vampYre stuff and you die. This is important to the plot, as an ugly, chubby, ginger loser kid named Elliott dies later. Another quote -
"Everyone, and I do mean everyone, except Elliott was attractive. He definitely didn't belong." In reference to him being the "refrigerator" for their fancy full moon ritual. Then he dies a couple of chapters later from terminal fat ginger ugliness.
The thing is, the plot could almost work. Pagan vampires? Could be cool. But I don't need the onslaught of parentheses at the end of every internal monologue to remind me of what a totally gay guy Damien is (yes he's gay, but like, get over it!) No, that's not me emphasizing the point. That's exactly how this shit is written. I don't need to be constantly reminded that the ugly, fat, doomed ginger kid is, like, a total loser! I don't need to know the depths of Zoey's very deep distain for goth kids, emo kids, excessively gh3y gay kids, sluts, hos, blondes, fatties, cripples, girls who wear too much makeup, short guys or the general list of failed human beings on her shitlist. She was chosen by Nyx, so it's okay!
I have 5 of these fucking books. I think I made it through the 3rd one, and anti-slut Zoey is slutting it up with....I don't remember, I think 4 different dudes, cheating on every single one of them with each other, in a classic Pot Meets Kettle move. But it's different, because Zoey is speshul and diffrint.
Don't fucking read these. Go read Marmaduke comics. Go read r/AmITheAsshole. Go read Doctor Bronner's Pure Castile soap bottles while you're on the toilet. Go read literally anything else.
Actually, you know what? I take that back. You should definitely read these. Not because you'll like them, but because it's just so shockingly bad. You know the Steve Buscemi "How do you do, fellow kids?" meme? That's it. That's the vibe. Your very hip grandma wrote this because she understands kids today. She speaks their language and decided to murder innocent trees to prove it.
Go on. Read them. Do it. You'll absolutely regret it but at least it's fun to talk about later.
