Cosplaying Poverty: A Totally Jealous Rant

 Assuming you read my last couple of posts, you'll know that I'm happily gearing up for #VanLife #YOLO #HashTag, more out of a sense of crushing money-not-havingness than anything else, even though I'm actually really looking forward to it. The idea of not spending $602,469,327 every month on rent, bills, bills, and more bills, and instead getting to do things like, idk, going to the dentist or on vacation is sending shivers down my spine.

Naturally, I've been spending a lot of time on YouTube, finding out the best ways to keep food fresh, storage tips, bathroom stuff, et cetera, but it's a lot more difficult than you'd think it would be. I can't relate to 90% of these people.

Just as an example, earlier tonight I was watching a Tiny Home video - you know the type, where they're living in one of those Home Depot sheds or something along those lines - it's not quite the same as van life but they actually share a lot in common given the space issues and need for efficiency. Anyhoot, I found one that seemed to be exactly what I was looking for, the title was something along the lines of "how we went from homeless to housed in only 3 weeks!" Score.  It started off promising. It really did. They were living in an old beat up 70s style giant van that broke down, they were very sad because that was their whole entire existence....omg where were they gonna sleep? How were they gonna survive? Oh noooeeessss, So scary! 

But then, they film themselves designing blueprints on one of their 3 (!!!) Mac devices. I looked up the price of a Mac Book Pro, and the cheapest I found was $1,500. They had 2 of those, and some giant desktop Mac I couldn't name but every one I looked up was still a minimum of $1,000. Now, I'm not saying poor people can't have nice things. It is entirely possible these were thrifted, gifted, or were purchased during a more bountiful period of their lives. 

Totally possible, but obviously I wouldn't be here ranting if it had stopped there. No, this video was like a condensed version of days, weeks, or months' worth of work that involved lots of saws and drills and other shiny metal doohickeys that tend to cost a lot of money. Installing windows and doors, painting, lots of wood and glass and fabrics and such. Meanwhile, every 2 minutes there's a new clip of them exploring some new picturesque bookstore in a quaint little bicycle friendly town full of flowers and colonial ass aesthetics. Probably New Hampshire or Connecticut or some whack ass faerie tale land. Hubby is wearing thousands of dollars of tattoos and wifey is frolicking in some flowy cotton peasant dress and collecting wild berries in her foraging basket. Wut. 

Now, I have questions. Like, y'all are homeless, supposedly. Where are you sleeping while all this work is happening? Where are you building this tiny cottage core house? I know those fruit trees and cucumber vines you planted did not start bearing fruit in the 3 weeks you said it took you to build this house. That garden dinner party at the end, the one that looked like something straight out of Alice in Wonderland and everyone was eating soup out of a tiny pumpkin with homemade scones and foraged berry cobbler....how much did THAT cost?

I'm not saying these people didn't work hard. I'm not saying they didn't have to budget around this build. I AM saying you're out of your mind if you think I'm gonna believe for one second that they're struggling. The millions of views on their videos and various sponsors they subtly sprinkle in say otherwise. 

And honestly, I wouldn't even CARE, if not for the fact that they gotta cosplay as humble, salt-of-the-earth types who overcame incredible odds and obstacles to create their home. Bitch, you just spent $20k on a built in apothecary and koi pond. If I get everything I want on my wishlist, my van will setup cost me about $2,000 and will take me MONTHS to achieve, barring any emergencies. We are NOT the same.

But it makes for great television. 

Here; have a badass Scottish folk song; your reward for making it this far. luh yew bai.

Rules For When I Rule the World

 'Tis I, Supreme Ruler Queen Nymphae, and this is my royal decree.

For far too long, our kingdom has been tainted by greed, corruption, and cruelty. Dumpsters are filled with food while millions starve. Homes sit empty while homelessness exists. CEOs of healthcare organizations deny lifesaving medicines to the sick so that shareholders can be 1% richer than they already are. 

Okay so, I'm not actually great at speeches, so here's another list for you.

IN MY PERFECT WORLD

• Corporations own nothing. That gold mine over yonder? That's public land. It belongs to the public. Any resources pillaged from the belly of the earth shall be used to build and maintain the community around it, not hoarded and sold off to the highest bidder. Every care shall be taken to maintain the integrity of the environment surrounding it. No more dumping filth and run-off into the river. No more clear-cutting the forests without discretion. No more mountain top removal. 
• Corporations own nothing. Landlording is a crime against humanity. People have a right to exist, taking advantage of that is now a crime punishable by being shot into the sun. Suburban sprawl is now illegal. Your power grid is owned by you and everyone connected to it. 
• Towns and cities and villages are meant for people, not cars. No more interstate carved through the center of Atlanta with 3 hour traffic jams. From now on, it's 2 lane streets with a maximum speed limit of 15mph. Pedestrian and bicycle traffic take priority. Vehicles with blind spots are shot into the sun with the landlords. WTF is a parking lot? High speed transit and public transportation are the norm for long distance travel.
• Taxes. Yes, those still exist. But, in our society, it is not people who are taxed, but money, itself. If you have a dollar, society gets $0.10 of it. if you have 500 dollars, society gets $50 of it, and so on. Credit and interest are forbidden. Bartering and the trading of goods and services are highly encouraged.
• CORPORATIONS OWN NOTHING. Factory farms are a sin of the past. For-profit prisons do not exist. For-profit healthcare and education and does not exist. Insurance does not exist. Wage slavery does not exist. If your company makes profit, it goes to those who worked to create it, not a CEO or shareholder. 

And, I think that's it for now. I'm sure I can come up with more, but Rome wasn't build in a single day, you know. 

Toodles!

🎶 A-Run-Run-Run-Run-Runaway🎵

 As long as I can remember, I've always had this intense urge to run away. I used to keep bags stuffed with whatever favorite toy or book and socks (on the occasion I had socks), maybe some kind of snack if I had it.  As a preteen and early teenager, I would write these long, often ridiculous lists and plans, plotting my escape down to the minute, drawing goofy little diagrams of what I'd be wearing or the escape route I'd be using.

Once as a little kid and twice as a 13 year old I actually succeeded, at least partially. Than at 15 I ran away and married that pedocreep, and then I ran away from him the day before I turned 18.

But I had children, and running away after that became more of a daydream or fantasy than a real option.  Even so, I've always kept a bag packed and ready to go, and I take absolute delight in filling it with little treasures, like toothpaste and other travel sized luxuries. The very idea of filling my van with essential treasures fills me with unbridled joy. When I think of goofy things like winning the lottery, my dream isn't to live in a big stupid mansion or drive ugly expensive cars or wear hideous designer clothing - I want a pimped out bicycle with all the trimmings, I want to fix up my van to be this solar powered, eco friendly stealth beast, and I want to build secret gardens and orchards in the woods not for myself (or more like, not just for myself) but for any who happen across them. 

 And it's not like I grew up with any lofty ambitions as a kid. Not in the way society sees ambition, anyway. Being a doctor for the sake of driving a BMW was never a goal. I love learning, but going to university and paying a billion dollars to learn how to be a good little cog was never appealing to me. Like I'm going to go learn how to code so that my boss can buy a yacht and I can...what? Pay student loans and a mortgage for 30 years with the occasional trip to Hawaii to break the monotony? No thank you.

I don't know. As it is, I don't currently get to do either of those things. I've been raising babies since before I could drive. I even have grandchildren now. I've written two books, which wasn't easy and doesn't pay well. The only success I've earned is not bring a cog in the machine, another brick in the wall, which by modern standards isn't a success at all. I don't want to succeed for society's sake, though. Capitalism isn't even society. It's not like I'd be making my world, my community, a better place by packing up plastic doohickies at an Amazon warehouse, or cold calling old people to con them out of their money for some big ugly insurance company. 

Call me crazy, but even after all these years, I still want to run away. I think I will, I just don't know when. 

A Wish List

Hello, lovey. It's been a while since I've made any lists. I'm not even sure I have any still up, after my last deleting spree. But I feel like it's time to make a new one anyway, because lots of little and big things have changed.

Okay so, a little backstory first - like a weekish before daddy died, he bought one of the big fleet work/murder vans from his employer. He was just 4 months from retirement and apparently the plan was to travel and camp and live that whole #vanlife experience. The van is literally a shell in the back, no seats, no insulation or interior furnishings. It does have an etrack on each wall, though. 

Since it's mine now and I hate paying $290,543,768,591 every month in rent and bills, I wanna live in the van and keep daddy's dream alive. 
So, my current van life list is:

• 500w portable power station with solar panels
• a butt ton of heavy duty magnetic hooks
• camp stove
• camp shower (the bag kind)
• e-track wood beam sockets (8) and
• 4 2x4s, length TBD, and
• plyboard, size TBD
• a small, basic tool kit
• carpet tiles, rug or some other kind of flooring
• USB lighting
• USB fan
• collapsible water jugs (5gal)
• camp toilet (owned)
• cooler (owned)
• weather radio (owned)
• small folding table
• insulation (wool)

 

And, I think that covers it for now? I have storage options, blankets and pillows and folding chairs and all that mess, most of it 2nd hand, as is my way. There are a few other things I want, like this super nifty manual washing machine.

I want it. I wanna be a washing wench in my modern gypsy caravan wagon. I want to build an easy suspended bedframe using that e-track thingy, with lots of storage room underneath. I want it all to be pepto-bismol pink or rainbow hippie goth witch, and frilly and girly af. 

I'm poor white trash, so it'll probably take me 500 years to get all these things, but I think I can do most of it for less than $1,000 with the most pricey bits being the power station and tool kit and this manual washer (it's $70!!!). That's a lot of money for me, I suppose it's a lot of money for a lot of people right now but in my head it's pretty reasonable compared to those vanlife videos I see where they build a walk-in shower, a mini-bar, a petting zoo, a helicopter landing pad, and an olympic sized pool for *only* $78,000.

In the words of Tame Impala - 
It's always around me, all this noise
But not nearly as loud as the voice saying
Let it happen
Let it happen

Or if you prefer Spongebob - 

I'm ready, I'm ready. 

Blessed Beltane

 Hello, my beloved little corner of the interwebz! Beltane is coming, with a full moon in Scorpio, and the air is absolutely electric with so many possibilities. Confronting shadow, releasing old burdens, embracing your potential. 

This coven thing hasn't been working out the way I'd thought it would. I fully expected a lot of surface level interest, but what I didn't expect was not one, not one, single person has actually made the effort to meet. 

But I'm not mad about it.  How could I be? This isn't a popularity contest. It's not a simple social gathering. It's about celebration, love and joy, embracing the world and the life around us, and whoever is meant to be part of that will find me. Or I'll find them. 

In other news, it finally rained today, after weeks of drought. It's still a drought, but I'm glad we got something. 

Oh, and I burned myself. Splashed boiling water on my chest. My necklace got in the way, so I have a partial outline of it in the burn. Looks kinda wicked, but I do not recommend it.

Seriously though, do yourself a favor and keep some burn cream handy. I've kept it slathered on my wound after running it under cool (not cold!) water for like 15 minutes, and the angry bubble that tried to form disappeared overnight. It still hurt, but it's not nearly as bad as it could have been.

Let's see, what else is there? I have one current grump, other than the burn, but I hope to be rid of it soon. Nothing worth mentioning, except to say  YOU'LL GET OVER IT! 

lolz.

Anywhom, Beltane, Beltane. This is probably the 2nd most important holi-day to pagans who follow the Wheel of the Year, with the first being Samhain. 

Beltane marks the midway point between the spring equinox and the summer solstice, the start of the summer and every green and beautiful thing that grows with the sun. If you do nothing else to celebrate, take a moment to step outside, feel the warmth and light on your skin. Breathe in the air and just appreciate it. See the leaves, the grass, the bugs, the birds, and feel their joy in simply being alive. Not big fancy ritual necessary....though one day I'd like that to happen, too. 

Blessed Be, friend. 

My Pink Cadillac

 Have you heard the news? Doomsday is coming...again. Gas prices are soaring...again. Donald Trump is bombing shit...again. 

It's always something with these people. They're worried about the eCoNoMy, as if the thing hasn't been in absolute shambles since way back in the Reagan days 40 fucking years ago. But Me? I grew up in desperate poverty. Sleeping on the trailer floor huddled up with my brothers and sisters in front of an old ceramic heater, the kind with the weird bricks. No bathroom, instead we did our business in an old coffee tin...as the eldest, it was my job to empty it. Foraging for food off of trees and bushes because we didn't have any at home. So on and so on.

As a result, I've always been a bit of a hoarder. I have stacks upon stacks of dry beans, rice, powdered milk and the like, just in case. It's not as deep as it sounds, I'm just not keen on experiencing real hunger pangs ever again. 

My bonus kid works in a bicycle shop. 2 christmases ago, he managed to score this bubblegum pink electra bike (not electric, it's just the brand name) for FREE, because some rich couple had broken up, the wife or girlfriend left it behind during their separation, and the hubby/boyfriend just wanted to be rid of it. Sooooo, it's mine. It's miiiiine, and I am overjoyed.

I want a rear cargo rack, and one of those cute baskets that hang over either side (pannier? is that what it's called?) but for now, I have a not-too-shabby basket in the front.

I've been wanting to lower my carbon footprint anyway, eliminate plastic and all that muck. I've started using bar shampoo, bar soaps, and there's this fantastic little sub on Reddit called r/VisibleMending that I've been stalking for a while for inspiration.

When oil eventually hits 100 bajillion dollars a barrel and no one can afford to drive or buy oranges that were shipped from Brazil, I'll be living high on the hog with my sturdy supply of beans and bike and non-liquid soaps and patchwork clothing. 

I highly suggest you start kissing my ass, now. 😁

Rainy Days and Rainbows

The Rainy Day Part

I hate feel-good stories. You know, the ones that are like "This homeless kid worked 7 jobs and didn't sleep for 5 years to put himself through college, and now he's the proud owner of his very own Volvo!" or "This woman lost her arms, legs, eyes, teeth, tongue, skin, intestines and brain in a diving accident, but now she's the president of her very own coloring book company!"

 For me, it's the implication that with enough hard work, anyone can pull him/herself out of the gutter. If you're not making it, it's because you're a lazy, good for nothing sack of shit. You're not trying hard enough, unlike these people who had it so much worse than you'll ever know.

Did you know that I'm a former child bride? Not in the 3rd world 8 year old sold off by her family to a 63 year old pedo way, but in the this is America and we're still doing this shit way. I was married before I could even legally drive. I won't get into all the details of that nightmare right now, except to say he was exactly the type of man you'd expect to marry a 14/15 year old, and I ran away the day before my 18th birthday.

15 year old me and my rapist husband

Now, here's a few things no one will tell you about being a child bride in a first world country. You are 100% on your own. You miiiiiiight get foodstamps and/or medicaid for your baby, if you're lucky, but you'll have to jump through hoops to get it. And being a literal child, with no bills, no credit, no job and no money to your name means you're not getting your GED until your mid 20s, nor a license until you're almost 30. You never had a college fund so don't even worry about getting a higher education.
Child support? What's that?
Childcare? Where? 
 People will give you all sorts of useless advice, like Get family to babysit so you can work! Ask your friends to give you a ride! What? Me? No, I can't babysit or dop you off, I have other things to do. But somebody else definitely will! You're just not begging hard enough.

I am in my 40s now, and 25 years removed from that point of my life, but I still live with the repercussions of that time and very little to show for it. 

The Rainbows Part

I have very little to show for it, but I like the very little I do have now. My children are all former middle and high school band nerds, something I desperately wanted for myself but never got....until now. My eldest and her husband gave me a lefty guitar for christmas and I've been youtubing and practicing every day. My gay ass kid and his gay ass boyfriend gave me a very expensive bicycle a couple of christmases back. They got it for fucking FREE. It's an Electra somethingsomethingidkwhat, and it's mine. I thrifted some sweet, sweet strawberry bedding for $10. 6 year old me squealed with delight when I found it. 

Like, yeah, okay. I don't have a rags-to-riches story to make society feel better about itself. But I did find a four leaf clover today. I taped it into my diary so I can keep it forever. 

And I do feel lucky. I could have easily turned to drugs, alcohol, prostitution. I could have abandoned these brats of mine and focused on myself. I think they'll always be a little ashamed of me or wish I'd been more than I was, but I'm okay with that.

In addition to the clover, I also managed to blow all the fluff off a dandelion poof in one breath. I made a wish. I can't tell you what it was yet but you'll be the first to know when it comes true. 

And I have so much more to show you. everything I've been up to lately. So many pictures. So many little things to love and be grateful for.

But this is getting long enough and probably comes off a lot more sad and bleak than I actually intended, so I'll save it for the next post.

Here's a sneak peek. Toodles.