The Herb Shop Lady Doesn't Like Me

 I swear, I've never done anything to her. I'm friendly with everyone else who works there, not like besties or anything, but we'll chitchat casually about our cats, some new product, blah blah blah. 

So, I'm in there today (or technically yesterday) looking for shampoo bars. I've been trying to reduce the amount of plastic waste I create by simply existing, and I feel like bathroom stock is my biggest contributor - shampoo, conditioner, lotions, body wash, and about 20,000 skincare products. Anyhoot, they have shampoo bars, but they're like $15 each. $15! WTF?!? How am I supposed to support my local economy when you're pricing me out of it? And it's not even my local economy, it's some corporate brand called Kitsch that'll eventually be bought out by Unilever or P&G or some other monster, like how Clorox bought out Burt's Bees and absolutely ruined it.

I decided I'll instead find bar shampoo on Etsy (small businesses do still exist there, as long as you can avoid all the AI and dropshipping slop) and wandered aimlessly into their small metaphysical/witchy section. I picked up a bell that looked nearly identical to one my dad owned and decided I wanted it, despite what I just said about dropshipping 2 seconds ago. I'm making small talk with one of the employees about it, and there's this other lady who works there with the most sour look on her face. She always looks sour when I'm in there, but RBF is totally a thing so I've never judged her for it. I've seen her be friendly with other customers, even though I've never really interacted with her, myself.  But it's nearing closing time, I'm the only customer left in the store and I'm ready to check out. Other employee and I are going off about bells and altars and what she wants to do with her altar, and RBF just like...stomps off. Yes, stomps. Like a toddler, even though she and other girlie had been chatting just fine 20 seconds before I walked up.

It just sorta clicked then. She doesn't have RBF, she just doesn't like me. That's kind of awesome, isn't it? I seriously love that for her. I'm not trying to be snarky or anything, I just think it's kinda cool that there's something about me that sets this woman off. 

She looks close to my age. Does she know me? Did we go to school together? Have we clashed in some way?  Did I accidentally flirt with her boyfriend once when we were 12 and she's been holding a burning grudge ever since? That's actually happened to me before*. Or maybe I got the leading role in the 5th grade production of West Side Story she wanted for herself and we've secretly been mortal enemies ever since.

It could also be that she just doesn't like me, with no real reason for it. Gods know I've run into people before who rub me the wrong way, like their voice grates on my nerves or some other minor, inconsequential thing like that. There are weirdos out that who chose to vote for Donald Trump because they thought Kamala Harris had an annoying laugh. It could be anything. It could be nothing. 

Life is wild. I love it.

*okay so there's this lady we'll call Elle who I went to high school with. I didn't know her, but in 8th grade I was casual friends with this boy named Jay. Jay had some kind of crush on me, but never asked me out or made a move so it was a non-issue. I only even knew because one of his guy friends told me. Jay and I never had any classes together so our interactions were strictly cafeteria based and after 8th grade I never spoke to him again.
Elle started dating Jay in 9th grade, and sought me out, followed me around, and it was weird. The first time she introduced herself to me, she was like "Hi, I'm Elle, didn't my boyfriend used to have a crush on you in 8th grade?"

Me: "I don't know, who's your boyfriend?"

Elle: "Jay Something."

Me: "Oh, yeah I know him but I haven't talked to him since we left middle school."

Elle: "Okay but didn't he used to have a crush on you?"

And every single fucking time I've seen her since then, that's how she introduces herself. "Hi, I'm Elle, remember me? My high school boyfriend used to have a crush on you."

She added MY ENTIRE FAMILY on facebook, she chased me down in the <business name> parking lot to catch up, followed me inside the business, then proceeded to tell the employees all about my updated info while we were there. We weren't friends online, but if I made a public post, she would copy it verbatim and post it herself. It was fucking weird. 

Everything is Happening All at Once and....

 I'm so overwhelmed. In a good way, I mean it's not like I'm complaining, but going from 0 to 100 in a matter of days has been...a lot.

I welcome the change of pace, though. With everything going on in the world right now, I've been kinda super mega anxious about all the worst things, so it's nice to have something NOT batshitcrazy happening right now. 

So, a few much needed updates:

Xmas came and went since I was last here.
The US government is literally murdering people.
I made a broom. Like, from scratch. Yeah, I know!
Alexis threw me a Twilight themed birthday. Ha. 
I quit facebook again. Seriously, fuck that place.
The Gh3yz got married. <3
I'm learning to play guitar. I'm not very good.
I painted my mother a lovely swan keepsake cigar box.
I got a most bombass Athame and a tea kettle. Huzzah.

And finally, Janie had her very last tea party at the meadery.  

And since I can't put 300 photos in here (well, I could, but who wants to deal with all that scrolling?) I just made a fancy collage to show you all the most important bits. 

I love you all. All 2 of you.

Cheers.

My Shitty Reading List: Twilight, Pt 2 - In Defense of Renee

 A couple of years ago, I wrote this little thing about all the things that male Twilight so awful and yet so fascinating. You can Click Here if you feel like reading it. I thought I was done with it, but nooooooo. 

I'm aggro'd by all of the Renee hate/Charlie love. I see so many stupid ass meme propping Bella's dad, while absolutely trashing her mom. I guess I sorta get it? How dare this woman allow her daughter to move in with an incompetent father, whom we worship. How dare she get remarried after 15+ years single. Yada yada yada, 

But here's my issue. Everything everyone accuses Renee of being, Charlie is that x1000. 
That whole parentification thing you're always accusing Renee of doing? Yeah, Bella's second night at her dad's house has her doing the grocery shopping, the cooking, AND all the cleaning as Charlie sits on his butt watching TV the whole time. And in one of the only instances we do see him attempt to cook, he manages to fuck up spaghetti by turning it into a single, solid noodle log. On the other hand, Bella describes her mother as an "imaginative" cook, and while not all of her experiments were edible, they seem to be fairly reliable. 

And while Charlie was spending a whopping 2 weeks a year with his daughter, dragging her out fishing against her will (which she describes in the books as "traumatic") Renee was spending the rest of the year taking her daughter on real vacations, putting her in extracurricular activities like ballet.

Oh, but Renee AbAnDoNeD her! The fuck she did. God forbid the child she raised single handedly spend a whole year, OF HER OWN VOLITION, under the roof of her deadbeat dad, who she doesn't even call dad! Her mother was very worried about Bella being stuck in that shithole town with no sun, and literally on the second page of the very first chapter she tells Bella "You can come home whenever you want - I'll come right back as soon as you need me."

Meanwhile, what's Charlie doing? Working late and going fishing for the entire weekend, allowing his daughter to hang out with literal vampires all willy nilly. He lives under the same damn roof but has no clue what she's doing or where she is, he shows up long enough to eat and watch TV. Meanwhile, his daughter's vampire boyfriend is sneaking in the window every single night to sleep in her bed while Charlie is snoring away in the next room.

Look, is Renee perfect? Not even. But the most problematic thing she's ever done is forgetting her clothes at the dry cleaners and occasionally cooking something that didn't work out. Oh, the horror. Who's there in Bella's hospital room when Bella wakes up after almost dying? Not Charlie. Who does Bella call her "best friend" throughout the entirety of Book 1? Not Charlie.  Who repeatedly tries to maintain contact with their kid despite the long distance? Not Charlie. And even when Renee does eventually back off, it's only at Bella's insistence.

I hate the idea that Charlie can do the BARE ASS MINIMUM for his own child, yet somehow he's a hero for....what, exactly? Letting her stay at his house? Graciously allowing her to cook and clean for him? Never once, throughout the entire series, doing one single thing that could be interpreted as quality time with his child?

The bar really is in hell, y'all. 

wPlace

 I've got news, but I don't feel like typing all of it out just yet. Touch and go, touch and go. 

BUT

I'll allow you to marvel at the big box o' pixel art I've been slowly piecing together over the last month, on the worldwide canvas.

Imposter Syndrome: Witchcraft Edition

Well, I did a scary thing, but before I get into those details, lemme give a little backstory.

 You might already be aware that my dad was wiccan when I was a kid. I grew up surrounded by it. He's the one who gave me his own ancient and well used copy of Buckland's Complete Book of Witchcraft. My first altar was a gift from him, something he carved himself. When he died 2 years ago, I was given the Baphomet statue he's had almost as long as I can remember, before my step-monsters had a chance to throw it away or pawn it or steal it, like they did with everything else he owns.

So yeah, Daddy was wiccan. He was into that not entirely child friendly version, though, old school Gardner style wicca where you get naked in the woods with your coven, so obviously I wasn't a participant. I became more generically pagan, with no real central belief or dogma...I like dirt and bugs and clean water and recycling. You know, proper hippie shit. 

Since he died, though, I've once again gone full Wicca. It just felt right, or maybe it's just my way of keeping him alive. "Merry meet and merry part and merry meet again" echos in my head like a joyous chorus. I see him in my dreams. He's still here, just not in a way I fully appreciate yet. I miss the sound of his voice, his big goofy laugh. 

The problem is, over the last 2 years, I've found no one who's serious about it. There used to be a handful of us who'd get together, but one got married, a couple moved, another was going through medical horrors, so on and so forth. Now there's just me. I'm sure others are out there, but practicing solitary or in very small groups or keeping it strictly online. I went to a very popular directory, and this entire area is empty, so unless you want to drive 2-3 hours away, there's nothing going on. 

And here is where the imposter syndrome kicks in - I created and was approved for a coven in the directory. I want this, I want this badly, but I feel like such a fraud. Like, someone's going to hit me up, expecting a group of aesthetic individuals doing instagram rituals in a dimly lit room, or perfectly timed drums and chants and movie-worthy forest clearings.....and instead, it's literally just me and maybe one or two stragglers if I'm lucky.

But I want it, anyway. 

Wish me luck.

Dead Internet is Dead

 6 months. 6 whole months I was gone from 'ze facebook. I felt healthy, I went out and rode my bike, I spent time with family, but you know what didn't happen? I don't think I socialized at all with anyone I wasn't immediately related to. 

Part of that is just because I suck at communicating, or at least, I thought I did. You try keeping up with anywhere between 5-15 people a day, sending you tiktoks and reels and shorts and not much else. Haha, what a silly guy! What a cute dog! What a goofy bug! What a stupid kid! What a horrible Karen! What a great song! 

How god damn boring are we? Is that all we do for connection, now? I send you a laugh react, which is admittedly low effort, but it's not like you went through a lot of effort, either. 

In the beginning, I used to try to force conversation. You'd send me some cat doing a thing, and I'd reply back "lol my cat does the same thing when she's hangry!" and you'd say, "mine, too!" and....that's it. 

6 months I managed to stay away, and even though no one hit me up for movie nights or to go feed the ducks or play with makeup or bake bread or whatever the fuck it is people do now, I managed to have fun. I went to those mythical "3rd Places" that supposedly don't exist anymore while everyone I know continued sharing memes and 30 second videos of shit that doesn't matter but gives you a temporary burst of dopamine.

Shot caller right here, y'all

Watching republicans assassinate a couple of politicians got me spooked, though, so I went back to see how things were going, expecting outrage, expecting action of some sort. But nope, they're all still sharing memes. They're a little more politically charged, but that lasts a few days before we're back to the same old bullshit. I shared a picture of the picnic basket I got at goodwill for $3, but in my defense, it's a really cool basket. I think I got like, 20 likes on it so it's not just me saying so. Oh, there was another school shooting? Better get on facebook/instagram/reddit and go share my Thoughts & Prayers™....or share my utter disdain for Thoughts & Prayers™. Maybe argue with somebody about it. That'll show 'em! Now, let's go look at my Shein haul! ™

I don't wanna be part of this anymore. This is some for real bullshit. Like, I'm using your fucking app so you can sell my information, train your AI, track my every move, listen in on my conversations so that if I say out loud "Gee I really need to get some XYZ next time I'm at BigBoxStore" I'll be sure to get 50,000 ads for XYZ and BigBoxStore[dot]Com. 

Fuck this shit.

bye.

My Shitty Reading List: House of Night

 Yeah. Yeah, okay. Let's breathe deep and fucking get this over with.

So. Remember that time I reviewed Twilight? That's going to feel like Shakespeare compared to this hot garbage. And just like Twilight, this is yet another lovely gift from my daughter, during her younger vampire days. Except this is so, so so so so so much worse, because this time, they're in vampire, excuse me, VAMPYRE boarding school, and all these vampYres worship the goddess Nyx and practice rituals that seem awfully similar to Wiccan and generic pagan practices.

So that's kinda cool, I guess? At least, it could have been. I kinda got over the supernatural boarding school thing with the whole Harry Potter craze, but I'm all about goddess worship so I was willing to give it a go.

But good fucking gods, this shit isn't worth the paper it's printed on. Those poor trees, whose lives were sacrificed to create this garbage, would have been better used as cheap porta-potty toilet paper.

Zoey Montgomery is totally not like other girls. She likes Bram Stoker and Count Chocula cereal, and her grandma's a Cherokee Princess Medicine Woman. She eats spaghetti with garlic (GASP) with this gay vampYre boy who isn't a silly twink like all those other silly twink gays, and he uses big words like sycophant and hubris because he's very smart. Zoey changes her last name to Redbird because she's Cherokee with high cheekbones and the goddess Nyx hand picks her to be the chosen one. There's some blonde bully who's also the sluttiest slut to ever slut it up, and the slut's boyfriend is totally in love with Zoey. Because, you know, Zoey isn't like other girls. Like when Zoey decides to wear eyeliner on her first day of vampYre school, quote -

"Not heavily like those loser girls who think that plastering on black eyeliner makes them look cool, Yeah, right. They look like scary raccoons."

And you should know, goddess Nyx haaaaates fat, ugly, and/or disabled people and kills them in these books. Zoey and her roommate are discussing their blood free diet in chapter 10, and if you get fat or sick, your body rejects the vampYre stuff and you die. This is important to the plot, as an ugly, chubby, ginger loser kid named Elliott dies later. Another quote -

"Everyone, and I do mean everyone, except Elliott was attractive. He definitely didn't belong."  In reference to him being the "refrigerator" for their fancy full moon ritual. Then he dies a couple of chapters later from terminal fat ginger ugliness.

The thing is, the plot could almost work. Pagan vampires? Could be cool. But I don't need the onslaught of parentheses at the end of every internal monologue to remind me of what a totally gay guy Damien is (yes he's gay, but like, get over it!) No, that's not me emphasizing the point. That's exactly how this shit is written. I don't need to be constantly reminded that the ugly, fat, doomed ginger kid is, like, a total loser! I don't need to know the depths of Zoey's very deep distain for goth kids, emo kids, excessively gh3y gay kids, sluts, hos, blondes, fatties, cripples, girls who wear too much makeup, short guys or the general list of failed human beings on her shitlist. She was chosen by Nyx, so it's okay! 

I have 5 of these fucking books. I think I made it through the 3rd one, and anti-slut Zoey is slutting it up with....I don't remember, I think 4 different dudes, cheating on every single one of them with each other, in a classic Pot Meets Kettle move. But it's different, because Zoey is speshul and diffrint.

Don't fucking read these. Go read Marmaduke comics. Go read r/AmITheAsshole. Go read Doctor Bronner's Pure Castile soap bottles while you're on the toilet. Go read literally anything else. 

Actually, you know what? I take that back. You should definitely read these. Not because you'll like them, but because it's just so shockingly bad. You know the Steve Buscemi "How do you do, fellow kids?" meme? That's it. That's the vibe. Your very hip grandma wrote this because she understands kids today. She speaks their language and decided to murder innocent trees to prove it. 

Go on. Read them. Do it. You'll absolutely regret it but at least it's fun to talk about later.