Rainy Days and Rainbows

The Rainy Day Part

I hate feel-good stories. You know, the ones that are like "This homeless kid worked 7 jobs and didn't sleep for 5 years to put himself through college, and now he's the proud owner of his very own Volvo!" or "This woman lost her arms, legs, eyes, teeth, tongue, skin, intestines and brain in a diving accident, but now she's the president of her very own coloring book company!"

 For me, it's the implication that with enough hard work, anyone can pull him/herself out of the gutter. If you're not making it, it's because you're a lazy, good for nothing sack of shit. You're not trying hard enough, unlike these people who had it so much worse than you'll ever know.

Did you know that I'm a former child bride? Not in the 3rd world 8 year old sold off by her family to a 63 year old pedo way, but in the this is America and we're still doing this shit way. I was married before I could even legally drive. I won't get into all the details of that nightmare right now, except to say he was exactly the type of man you'd expect to marry a 14/15 year old, and I ran away the day before my 18th birthday.

15 year old me and my rapist husband

Now, here's a few things no one will tell you about being a child bride in a first world country. You are 100% on your own. You miiiiiiight get foodstamps and/or medicaid for your baby, if you're lucky, but you'll have to jump through hoops to get it. And being a literal child, with no bills, no credit, no job and no money to your name means you're not getting your GED until your mid 20s, nor a license until you're almost 30. You never had a college fund so don't even worry about getting a higher education.
Child support? What's that?
Childcare? Where? 
 People will give you all sorts of useless advice, like Get family to babysit so you can work! Ask your friends to give you a ride! What? Me? No, I can't babysit or dop you off, I have other things to do. But somebody else definitely will! You're just not begging hard enough.

I am in my 40s now, and 25 years removed from that point of my life, but I still live with the repercussions of that time and very little to show for it. 

The Rainbows Part

I have very little to show for it, but I like the very little I do have now. My children are all former middle and high school band nerds, something I desperately wanted for myself but never got....until now. My eldest and her husband gave me a lefty guitar for christmas and I've been youtubing and practicing every day. My gay ass kid and his gay ass boyfriend gave me a very expensive bicycle a couple of christmases back. They got it for fucking FREE. It's an Electra somethingsomethingidkwhat, and it's mine. I thrifted some sweet, sweet strawberry bedding for $10. 6 year old me squealed with delight when I found it. 

Like, yeah, okay. I don't have a rags-to-riches story to make society feel better about itself. But I did find a four leaf clover today. I taped it into my diary so I can keep it forever. 

And I do feel lucky. I could have easily turned to drugs, alcohol, prostitution. I could have abandoned these brats of mine and focused on myself. I think they'll always be a little ashamed of me or wish I'd been more than I was, but I'm okay with that.

In addition to the clover, I also managed to blow all the fluff off a dandelion poof in one breath. I made a wish. I can't tell you what it was yet but you'll be the first to know when it comes true. 

And I have so much more to show you. everything I've been up to lately. So many pictures. So many little things to love and be grateful for.

But this is getting long enough and probably comes off a lot more sad and bleak than I actually intended, so I'll save it for the next post.

Here's a sneak peek. Toodles.