Originally posted 2015, when I still cared about literary agents.
So, you've just finished polishing that novel for the hundredth time. It may have taken two, five, or ten years to complete the damned thing, but now it's over...or so you think.
All that's left is to attract the attention of an amazing literary agent, one who will love your work almost as much as you do, one who will surely sell your novel for no less than several million dollars. The problem is, you have no idea where to begin.
Well, you're in luck, my friend. I am here to help guide you through the process. Follow these three simple steps below, and in no time at all you'll have dozens of agents practically BEGGING to represent your work.
1. Writing the Perfect Query Letter
This is probably the easiest part of the process. All you have to do is adequately explain, in one to two short paragraphs, what your 100,000 word novel is about. Simple, right? But just to be on the safe side, here is a list of dos and don'ts to consider:
- DON'T write a synopsis, because agents hate that.
- DO write a synopsis, because agents need to understand your story.
- DON'T start with your pitch, because agents like an introduction.
- DO start with your pitch, because agents are very busy people and like to get straight to the point.
- DON'T include a biography, unless it pertains directly to your novel or career as a writer. (Degrees, awards, etc.)
- DO include a biography, because agents like to know who they'll potentially be working with.
Like I said, simple. Not confusing at all.
Now that we've cleared the query hurdle, it's time to move on to our next step.
2. Finding the Perfect Agent
Agents like to feel loved and cherished. They can feel your heavy gaze drinking in their profile information as your fingers gently stroke the keyboard, carefully researching each and every detail. They WANT you to WANT them. They NEED you to NEED them. They'd LOVE you to LOVE them. They're BEGGING you to BEG them. (See Cheap Trick for more details.)
Personally, I like to begin by narrowing the field down to five agents at a time. Five seems like a nice, reasonable number. Then I start with Agent #1 - stalking her on twitter, recording her every move as she shops for shampoo and wart remover, listening in on her phone calls to discover her favorite pizza toppings, hiring a P.I. to locate her family, friends...after all, agents love it when you take the extra time to get to know them on a personal level. Use her real name, tell her how important she is to you. If it doesn't feel like a one sided whirlwind romance, you're not doing it right.
Now, follow these next instructions very carefully:
- BURN your original query letter. If you've saved it to your computer, make sure you burn that as well. You didn't honestly think you'd get away with such a generic bit of garbage, did you? How dare you try to pass off that impersonal pile of used toilet paper on such an important, god-like creature.
- READ your chosen agent's submission guidelines. Find out what your future agent likes to see in a query, and then do exactly that. Exactly that. No funny business. You are catering to their will.
- READ your chosen agent's website or blog, and look for examples of queries they've enjoyed reading. Realize that those queries are the exact opposite of everything written on the agent's submissions page.
- BURN the second query you just wrote and start again, more confused than ever. Feel free to cry in a dark little corner of your closet, or the floor of your shower. This is a normal part of the process.
- FINISH your new query nearly two weeks later, more unsure than ever before, and send it to the agent's "slush pile." That's a fancy term the industry uses to describe the massive amount of unsolicited queries received every month. You are slush. They are gods. Remember that, peasant. It'll come in handy later.
- REPEAT the process individually for each agent you've chosen. This should take no longer than three months. After you've finished, make sure to treat yourself to a few sessions with your favorite therapist.
That wasn't so bad, was it? You came away with most of your hair and sanity intact, and all you have to do is wait for that wonderful day when an agent calls you up, completely awestruck and ready to sign you on with a major publisher and movie deal.
But wait...what's this? It's already been two whole days since you sent your love letter query, and no one has responded. This brings us to our next step:
3. Dealing with Rejection
I know, sweetheart. I know. After all the time and effort you put into that nasty old jerk - the personalized and well researched introduction, the carefully crafted summary, the highly polished yet short bio - but he doesn't even have the decency to address you by your name, after you waited weeks or months just to get a reply. Hell, he didn't even have the decency or respect (as he demanded from you) to send you a personalized rejection...that bastard just copy/pasted the same exact four sentences he's been using on everyone else! That's assuming, of course, that he even bothered to reply to your query at all! Oooh, just wait until he sees what you're going to do to his car...
Stop right there, sweetheart. He's not worth it. You're too good for him, and obviously he's either too blind or too stupid to realize what he had in his hands. One day, in the not too distant future, he's going to regret letting you slip away, but it'll be too late. You're going to have a brand new agent, one that recognizes how brilliant and talented you are, and that lowlife scumbag what's-his-name is going to be so jealous. Yup. Say, you wanna go get some coffee and maybe catch a movie later tonight? C'mon, it'll be good for you to get out, and you might even find the agent of your dreams. Until then...have you thought about, I don't know, self publishing? HEY! Don't look at me like that. There's no shame in it. Everyone's doing it now. We'll just take a quick peek at Amazon before we go...
And that, my friend, is my guide to writing a query letter.
Thanks, I love you. No awkward goodbyes, please.
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