Hello again, much neglected blog. Today I want to discuss something that none of my tarot reading friends seem to find all that significant, but it continues to happen, and I don't know what to make of it. It all started on Monday, July 15, 2019. TL;DR - Click for full background sob story. Otherwise, continue below.
My world was shattered the day before. I woke up on my friend's couch, a broken mess of emotion, and left. I slept there the night before due to home troubles, and we were up until about 3am, talking about the things I'd need to do to get right again. It was going to be a long, shitty process. I knew it. Everyone around me knew it. I'd made myself completely vulnerable in my attempt to nurture and care for others. I'd made so many sacrifices for the people I loved, given up all the things I wanted and needed for myself in order to make others happy, and it came back to bite me right in the ass. Hard.
At least, that's how I saw it.
I suppose from another point of view, I'd become codependent, clingy, and emotionally needy. I didn't have a job, because raising four kids (doctor appointments, dentist appointments, school, after school activities, weekend activities, laundry, cooking, homework, grocery trips, etc) took a lot of time. I haven't had a real job since my youngest was born. I was completely reliant on the Head of Household, who had much higher earning potential to me. I gave up having a job and my own source of income to devote myself to these things.
I had no social life. I carted kids back and forth to school, twice a day, there and back. I was on the road anywhere from 2-4 hours a day. That's a lot of gas money and mileage on my car. I couldn't go out with my friends because I was stupid broke. Even silly, small, FREE things like meeting at the town square to walk had to be carefully calculated into my gas consumption every week. I had one single person to rely on for all of my emotional needs, and when you aren't getting along with that one person, you tend to bottle a lot of things up.
And I bottled up EVERYTHING. He worked twelve freaking hours a night. I tried not to burden him with my miseries and frustrations on top of his own, but I became sulky.
I'm getting carried away with backstory. Point is, things were really, really, really fucking bad.
After 19 years together, I was very suddenly and violently single (breaking up is pretty violent, but it wasn't physical - that's not what I mean), with no where to go. I packed what I could into my second hand luggage and a couple of boxes and tossed them into the back of the wrecked car my son had given me, and went to sleep on my friend's couch.
And it was over. Everything I'd done, or tried to do, was absolutely meaningless, and I had nothing to show for it.
I was sitting in my car, waiting, when I pulled Her for the 6th time in a row. It wasn't dramatic. It wasn't anything, really. I only even really kept tabs on the number of times she was showing up because she didn't answer any of my more pressing concerns, like wtf is happening to my marriage? or where tf am I gonna live? and so on. Honestly, I felt like it was a bit of a joke, because the Empress represents abundance and femininity and so many other things, and I didn't feel like I had any of that. But this was the moment that I really started to notice her, because I'd pulled her every single day, sometimes multiple times a day, for 3 days. Two or three times? Okay, yeah, that's pretty hardcore, but it might still be a coincidence. Six times, though? As I was going through all of this? (imagine my arms spread out, swiping though a vast, empty nothing. Kthx)
And here is the moment I started paying attention
But that wasn't even the end of it. I ended up pulling her a grand total of ELEVEN times in a row for a solid week. Most of those were single, one card pulls. A few were future positions in three card spreads, and twice were outcomes of the Celtic Cross. I had witnesses on several occasions, and my BFF pulled her for me two of those eleven times. By the end of that week, my husband decided he didn't want to live without me and we started trying to work things out.
After #11 and reconciliation, she stopped coming up for every single reading I did. I guess she felt like she'd made her point, whatever it was, and made herself known. And although she doesn't come up every single reading, she still shows up a lot. Like, a lot lot. Sometimes she straight up falls out of my deck when I'm shuffling. All by herself. She shows up in the "me" position of big reads. She shows up as the outcome. She often pops up during daily one card pulls. She comes up in both of my decks, as well as my husband's deck.
Whatever she represents in my life, she seems pretty inevitable.
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