My Shitty Reading List: Twilight

No shit dude, I fucking kid you not, I have read the Twilight books probably dozens of times each, over the last decade+.

I don't like them. I'm not saying that to prove how edgy and different I am. They're legitimately shit ass books. The books I wrote are probably worse, but in my defense, I didn't have a millionaire editor or a billion dollar publisher with a vested interest in my success. Woohoo, ANARCHYYYY.  At least mine have a story, and not just a smokin' hot vampire dude in khakis being uselessly hot on every page. Edward Cullen is hot. Like, so hot. OMG, look at him, being all hot. His skin is so cold, but jesus fuck, he is HAWT.

So yeah, I'm not a fan.

You'd be totally within your right to ask my snotty, snobby ass why I even read them, if I hate them so much.

This is an Abstinence Only Zone 

Except I don't hate them. I don't like them, and I stand by that statement, but I don't hate them.

So, the story is, I had a daughter who was absolutely obsessed. My significant other, being very learned in the way of vampire literature as it existed up until that point, was very concerned about young daughter's impressionable mind at the time. Up until that point, vampires tended to be kinda slutty. The French Maids of the supernatural world, I guess. Daughter was around 12 at the time, and naughty vampire lovin' was forbidden. Significant Other decided it was my responsibility to read them first....

Honestly, daughter shouldn't have been allowed to read this garbage anyway because the toxic relationship between Bella and Edward was probably more problematic than any vampire sexy time could be, but since there were no throbbing members, no bouncing breasts or erect nipples, I decided "ehh, fuck it" and let her have at it.

And so, I kept reading. Every time she got a new book, I had to read it first. You know, because I'm a good mom or something, I guess. But secretly, I was sorta loving the cringiness of it all. I enjoyed the recoil I felt in my spine when Edward told Bella she was his brand of heroin. I mean, seriously, who fucking says that? And more importantly, what woman hears that and thinks to herself, "Great googly moogly, that sure is romantic!" and swoons?

 Vomit. Vomit coming out of my ears, oozing out of my nostrils. Vomit, everywhere,

Oh, but it gets better. Supposedly. At least, the little brightly colored tabs Dear Daughter has scattered throughout this copy of Eclipse would imply that there are enjoyable things in this book, but I swear to every god who had ever existed, I cannot find them. There's literally NOTHING memorable here.

So why would I keep reading, you might be asking right about now. And the only truth I can give you is I don't fucking know. Maybe it was just easy. I have this other book called House of Leaves - it's brilliant, but I've not finished it once in the 15 years I've owned it because it's complicated and weird and every time I had to put it down to do real life shit that interrupted my reading time, I would forget where I was and what was going on, and I'd have to start over. 

Seriously, WTF is this book, Mark?

My poor brain, which I'd once believed to be a proud and noble beast, had disintegrated into a sad, mushy pile of SpongeBob reruns and diapers and sight words and crayons. I had no time to pretend to be deep or intellectual or philosophical. As a matter of fact, I had to go look up "philosophical" just now to make sure I was even fucking spelling it right. The brainrot is real, holy fuck. I used to be good at this shit. 

Anyhoo, yeah. I think that's what it was. Twilight was easy. If I put this dumbass book down for 3 months and came back to it after the little one was finally potty trained, I ould pick right back up where I left off and know exactly what was going on. Edward was a vampire. Bella smelled like heroin. He was kind of a dick to her, but he looked really hot in rich people clothes so it was okay. Oh no, Bella in danger? Edward save! YAY! The End. 

I suppose I should have included a spoiler warning just then, but if you haven't read them after 15 years, you're probably gonna be okay. 

The shameful part in all of this is, there's a new book in the series that...basically it's just the first book all over again, but from Hottie Eddie's point of view. And I really, really, really want to read it. It's like that car crash you saw on your way to work yesterday, where one car was flipped over on its top in a ditch and the other was on fire, and you're just trying to find out who the fuck died because you fucking KNOW someone died in that fucked up shit, but you don't wanna be the asshole who goes on facebook and asks about it.

That's me right now. I'm that asshole.

Someone please give me that book.