I Am Beginning To Feel Like an Anomoly

One of my friends was bitching about how his gross ass former roommate used to inflict unsolicited stories of his sexual conquests upon him. It was actually one of the reasons he moved out of that house....not only was roomie batshit insane, but it was just difficult to stomach all the gross places that man's dick had been.

Said friend of mine is apparently blind to the irony of it as he loads me up with unwanted details of his own sexual past.

You fucked a ballerina? Yay for you, I guess.

Your ex girlfriend used to fart uncontrollably when she orgasmed? Golly, that's interesting.

I've never cheated on anyone. Most of my friends have stories of being cheated on, being cheated with, or cheating. I've been cheated on. My ex husband had a thing for very young girls. Another one was just a creep in general - I found literally YEARS worth of cringy, neckbeardy, and frankly pathetic things he'd attempted over the course of our relationship, and his excuse? "That's just what unhappy people do."

No, sir. No. that's not what unhappy people do. That's just what YOU do. You, and every other loser you claim to hate, but only because they're better at it than you.

Relationships are kind of gross. Your boyfriend has a whole spank bank of women who are younger, hotter, skinner than you are. He hasn't given you an orgasm in months or years, and his idea of romance is bending you over the bed for a whopping 4 minutes without any kisses, touches, foreplay. And then he gets mad because you never wanna dO iT. 

Casual sex is even more gross. Like, I don't see anything wrong with it, if that's what you're into, but I prefer fucking people who at least like me as a human being. Plus, you know, those assholes are even less likely to bother trying to seduce you or anything. They've watched too much porn, where some blonde with fake boobs will happily get plowed in uncomfortable positions by multiple dicks while getting spit on and occasionally choked...unlike you, you fucking pruuuuude. Why can't you just be a cum sock and stfu already?

My single girlfriends complain about their dildos and stuff...like yeah, okay, you get to orgasm, but there's no passion, no fire. Meanwhile, my married friends  get none of that as well, but also don't even get the orgasm.  At least when you're fucking a rando, you get the thrill of not knowing if he's gonna murder you directly after. You get the suspense of not knowing if he's going to be another dud in a long line of disappointments. You get the excitement of maybe this won't be as horrible as every other time.