Profanities From the Heart: A Bulleted List

I don't like one of my friends today because he's an asshole. He's always an asshole, but today he's especially an asshole because he made me cry. I'm not telling him he made me cry, though, because I think he secretly enjoys it, being an asshole and all. The list of reasons I have for maintaining this friendship grows shorter every single day. At this point, I feel like I'm basically just his emotional support donkey - He dumps his emotional baggage across my back haphazardly, and I am allowed the privilege of hauling it around for him, across some wasteland shithole that never ends because it's shaped like a hamster wheel.

So, here's a list of the things I'm too nice to say out loud.

Dude, you're a:

• Donkey Slut
• Bag of Farts
• Public Masticator
• Feedbag of Fucks
• Nuclear Douchenozzle
• Anally Inept Shitgibbon
• Ladyboner Serial Killer
• Half Chub Scrub

Oh, you want details? Well, let me see:

• I think you once imagined yourself to be a bit of a donkey tamer. Maybe you once fantasized about whipping your team of Emotional Support Donkeys into a protective frenzy by pretending to be of any use. You're no Knight in Shining Armor, friend. You haven't saved anyone; in fact, you've run them all off. I'm the last donkey standing, and your days with me are numbered.
• Literally hot, stinky air. You talk out of your ass. That is all.
• You seem to cause mayhem and havoc wherever you go, like one of those machines that turns giant trees into mulch in seconds flat. It's always someone else's fault, though, never the fault of the guy who happens to be the epicenter of drama every single time the shit goes down.
• Not the good kind of fucks. You fancy yourself a smooth talker, and I suppose you can be, at times, but mostly you are filler. You give just enough to make people think there's something more wholesome and sustaining there, but before long they're scraping the bottom.
• Your dating record speaks for itself. 
• It'd be one thing if you had some kind of control over your brain sphincter and could keep the flow of verbal diarrhea down to a steady trickle, but no sir, not you. No no, 'tis a river, more grand and volatile than the mighty Mississippi, and you sure like splashing around in it.
• See all of the above? Yeah, that shit might fly when your girlfriend is 19 with self esteem issues and stars in her eyes, convinced by romance novels that her love is strong enough to fix the stupid shit that is wrong with you. The rest of us see you as a walking, talking box of red flags.
• Walking around half cocked at all times. 

That's enough. I got it out of my system and I feel better, now.

Toodles xoxo

Buh Bye