Everyone Sucks, Except Me

No shit, I feel that way sometimes, and I dare even one single asshole on this planet to tell me they've never ever felt that way before, because I'm riding my moral high horse and I want to tell them they're lying. 

But if I'm being honest, it's just because I'm being super insecure right now, thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking until whatever it was I was originally overthinking turns into this evil, dark, nasty version of its former self. In my head, what started as a pretty innocuous thing has now become something better left for some ultra villain from a True Crime podcast. You know, something so ridiculous and over the top, there's no way it could possibly ever happen in real life....

Except True Crime podcasts DO exist, and not only do they exist, but there are like 54910335876 of them with varying degrees of horrific content, sooooooo, you knooooow…

I'm being dramatic. I'm not thinking about serial killing or anything even remotely close to it, more like questioning people's intentions. Like when you'd go out on a date and you'd have to figure out whether the person sitting across from you actually likes you and enjoys the senseless babble pouring out of your mouth, or if they're just barely tolerating it in the hopes of getting laid in an hour so they can call you CrAzY 2 days later when you try to call.

And in my head, that's pretty villainous and makes me a morally superior human being, because you totally suck for that.

Maybe in someone else's head, I am the villain for using too many metaphors and similes instead of just saying what I mean.  

Tarot Tuesday: Bonus For Actually Doing It On a Tuesday

Gaaaah it's been a tek since I've posted anything related to tarot, but I got a snazzy new deck that can't wait to show off its mad divination skills, so I must oblige.

Jingle, jangle

Thoughts untangle

See things from another angle.

I haven't done that ^ in a while either. Maybe I'm coming up.

Anyway, this is tonight's pull.

Three card with a clarifier, and tonight's question was basically "What  the fuck is this shit?"

I'm not completely sure, but I think this is slow growth.

Our lineup is the King of Curses (cups), The Moon, the Queen of Cults (pentacles) aaaaaand the Two of Curses thrown on top of her because I was feeling like this was the most halfassed answer ever.

I didn't read this as a past, present, future, as is traditional with three card pulls. Instead, I feel the King and Queen are actual people - he wears his heart on his sleeve, she's the domestic goddess.

The moon here represents a blockage, and highlights some of the not-so-pleasant aspects of these cards. Maybe he's a bit too emotional, or maybe his heart is still raw from old wounds. Meanwhile, she's got her own baggage. She might be a bit possessive, or afraid of letting go of what's known and comfortable in order to embrace the unknown and unpredictable.

So yeah, the moon is a blockage, a hurdle, but the thing about the moon is, this is just a phase. This isn't a bad reading, as these aspects of this King and Queen are behaviors or thoughts they've learned from past experiences and have served them up until this point. Perhaps he needed to learn how to not fall in love at first sight, and she needed to understand the importance of providing for herself.

The clarifying Two shows that they can work through this mess together, and that's kind of adorable.

Maybe they'll help each other move into the next phase, where they learn how to let go of the things that no longer fit who they are.

awwww. 

New Year, New Standards

Ohai, it's me, here at the back half of March, comin' atcha with some New Year Resolutions. Better late than never, I suppose. 

It was recently pointed out to me, rather inadvertently, that the reason I know so many horrible people is because I have no real expectations of these people.

Allow me to clarify.

I have a kink for underdogs. The loners, the losers, the tragically misunderstood. The girl who's not like other girls. The guy who's actually a really great guy, once you get to know him. The drug addicts and alcoholics who have beautiful souls, somewhere deep down. Waaaaay deep down. It's in there somewhere, I swear.

oozing with empathy

I guess in some dumbshit ass kinda way, this has always been my way of making up for all the vulnerability and abandonment I felt. I don't want other people to go through all the yucky things alone. I'm a fan-fucking-tastic cheerleader, and some people need it more than others. Plus, even though I didn't understand it 20 years ago, I guess I get my rocks off on feeling needed and necessary. Who doesn't? Everyone wants to feel wanted, but when you're used to feeling so completely and utterly unwanted, I suppose you start scraping the bottom of the barrel. Like, okay, I know the superrich supermodel who owns a private jet and a private island probably has nothing to gain from me being, ya know, alive and shit, sooooo skip! 

And what about that reasonably adjusted human over there? The one who grew up with caring parents and finished high school with no juvenile record and got a summer job at their dad's landscaping business before completing some office management degree at community college and now works in Human Resources or Realty but enjoys catching a baseball game on the weekends?

Pfft. Normie. Skiiiiip!

That's not me being snobby. Can trailer trash even be stuck up? I mean, I know I'm better than everyone else, but still. No, you see, I was doing these people a favor by not allowing them to become hopelessly ensnared by the web of drama that is my life. There's no way some middle class fancypants could understand peeing through a hole in the floor, or the nightmares you still have of your mother's blood soaking into the ground while her crotch goblins screamed for the beating to stop. I don't think they'd understand the earth shattering sorrow that was putting back a pack of super rare oreos on a grocery store shelf  because the money you thought was there was just taken by a shrieking, high uncle very publicly who'd followed the fam to the grocery store and everything went sideways after that. Getting left with strangers who beat or molested you, or both, if you were really lucky. 

And no, that isn't self pity. I'm more or less beyond feeling sorry for myself and more in a state of "eh, that happened," so it's all good. But you see my problem now, yes? Most therapists aren't equipped to deal with real trauma (probably because they're the reasonably adjusted humans mentioned earlier) so it'd be rather selfish of me to inflict myself on people whose biggest tragedies in life were getting dumped right before the big Homecoming dance or politics being discussed at Thanksgiving dinner.

But I suppose that was a little narrow minded of me. Having money doesn't make you immune to abuse or neglect, but I always imagined it might be a little bit easier to deal with if you weren't also dealing with hunger and peeing in holes and shared bathwater and too tight shoes.

I'm rambling. How do I get back to the point? I guess my point is, no one swooped in to rescue me, so I kinda saw myself as the stupor-hero with the fucked up backstory who could do the swooping and rescuing. 

What's that? You just spent all your rent money on meth and now you're going to be homeless in 3 days due to the consequences of your bad decisions? Never fear! S********'s here to save you from yourself by pawning her kidney and watching you spend all THAT money on...more meth! No need to thank me (please thank me), I'll just be over here, crying in the corner of the kitchen alooooooone if you need the other kidney!

So anyway, standards. What a weird word. I used to think of standards as shit like "I wanna marry a rich man who drives a porsche" or "I only date men with washboard abs" and other superficial junk. How fucking bonkers is it that real standards should include more mundane things like "treating me with a little dignity and respect"...oof. OOF. 

And Here w are, finally at the point of this whole stupid thing. Another bulleted list for you! God damn, I love me some lists. 

S********'S NEW AND IMPROVED LIST OF STANDARDS ON WHICH ALL FUTURE RELATIONSHIPS OF ANY KIND SHALL BE BASED

• Gives a fucking shit about literally anything
• Puts in the same level of care and effort  he/she expects of others
• Capable of communicating without yelling, throwing shit, assault, etc
• Capable of listening without yelling, throwing shit, assault, etc
• Rinse and repeat those last two points
• Strives to be better than they were and values self improvement
• Reciprocates affection to the best of their ability
• Values the thoughts/opinions of others when asked for (Where do you want to eat?)

I'm sure I'll come up with more, but this is the backbone of what I've created so far. Woot, I feel like a dumbshit.